1
00:01:15,376 --> 00:01:17,920
AAH HA HA HA HA!

2
00:01:17,944 --> 00:01:20,879
CAPTIONING MADE
POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.

3
00:01:25,385 --> 00:01:26,730
WELL, KIDDIES,

4
00:01:26,754 --> 00:01:30,533
I'M AFRAID OUR DESIGNER
HANGER OFFER HAS EXPIRED.

5
00:01:30,557 --> 00:01:32,702
WOULD SOMEBODY
PLEASE GET MR. DE LA RENTA

6
00:01:32,726 --> 00:01:33,726
OUT OF HERE?

7
00:01:34,728 --> 00:01:36,873
NEXT UP ON THE HOME
CHOPPING NETWORK.

8
00:01:36,897 --> 00:01:40,276
IT'S TIME FOR THE CRYPT
KEEPER'S FASHION BOO-TIQUE.

9
00:01:40,300 --> 00:01:42,044
TODAY, WE FEATURING MY FULL LINE

10
00:01:42,068 --> 00:01:45,147
OF<i> APRÉS VIE</i> DEATH
CARE PRODUCTS.

11
00:01:45,171 --> 00:01:47,817
WE'VE GOT EVERYTHING
FROM FACE-SCREAM

12
00:01:47,841 --> 00:01:49,786
TO MAS-SCARE-A.

13
00:01:49,810 --> 00:01:51,387
TRY SOME.

14
00:01:51,411 --> 00:01:53,255
IT'S THE BEST THING
YOU CAN DO FOR...

15
00:01:53,279 --> 00:01:57,594
DEM-ISE. HEE HEE HEE HEE!

16
00:01:57,618 --> 00:01:59,930
OR MAYBE I COULD INTEREST YOU

17
00:01:59,954 --> 00:02:01,864
IN TONIGHT'S SPECIAL.

18
00:02:01,888 --> 00:02:03,266
IT'S A TASTELESS TIDBIT

19
00:02:03,290 --> 00:02:06,236
ABOUT A TRAVELING
CEMETERY PLOT SALESMAN

20
00:02:06,260 --> 00:02:09,906
WHO'S ABOUT TO
MAKE A GRAVE MISTAKE.

21
00:02:09,930 --> 00:02:14,132
I CALL IT<i> DEATH OF
SOME SALESMEN.</i>

22
00:03:11,691 --> 00:03:16,461
HA. EB JONES, COME ON DOWN.

23
00:03:24,738 --> 00:03:25,916
YOU'RE UP ALREADY.

24
00:03:25,940 --> 00:03:29,085
WHAT TIME IS IT?

25
00:03:29,109 --> 00:03:31,754
ALMOST 6:00 A.M.

26
00:03:31,778 --> 00:03:33,222
HASH-SLINGIN' TIME.

27
00:03:33,246 --> 00:03:34,857
HASH-SLINGIN'...

28
00:03:34,881 --> 00:03:36,292
I TOLD YOU LAST
NIGHT I'M THROUGH

29
00:03:36,316 --> 00:03:38,161
WITH THAT GODDAMN COFFEE SHOP.

30
00:03:38,185 --> 00:03:40,863
I'M GOING WITH YOU.
ISN'T THAT WHAT WE SAID?

31
00:03:40,887 --> 00:03:44,189
WELL, THERE'S BEEN A
LITTLE CHANGE OF PLANS.

32
00:03:46,460 --> 00:03:47,903
BUT WE SAID LAST NIGHT.

33
00:03:47,927 --> 00:03:50,606
LAST NIGHT WAS LAST NIGHT.

34
00:03:50,630 --> 00:03:52,475
SO YOU LIED TO ME.

35
00:03:52,499 --> 00:03:54,377
NO, YOU SAID YOU WANTED

36
00:03:54,401 --> 00:03:56,079
TO GET OUT OF THIS
STINKING LITTLE BURG

37
00:03:56,103 --> 00:03:57,847
AND I SOLD YOU A WAY TO DO IT.

38
00:03:57,871 --> 00:03:59,082
FOR THE NIGHT.

39
00:03:59,106 --> 00:04:02,607
NOW IT'S MORNING. AND
THE WARRANTY'S EXPIRED.

40
00:04:05,178 --> 00:04:06,422
DAMN YOU!

41
00:04:06,446 --> 00:04:10,259
OH, SPARE ME THE
TEARS, OK, SWEETHEART?

42
00:04:10,283 --> 00:04:12,161
BUT YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME.

43
00:04:12,185 --> 00:04:13,963
HA HA HA HA.

44
00:04:13,987 --> 00:04:16,265
YES. YES. I SAID I LOVED YOU,

45
00:04:16,289 --> 00:04:18,167
AND YOU DROPPED
YOUR LITTLE PANTIES.

46
00:04:18,191 --> 00:04:20,125
IT'S CALLED SALESMANSHIP.

47
00:05:03,503 --> 00:05:05,248
YOU MUST BE MRS. JONES.

48
00:05:05,272 --> 00:05:06,815
YES, I AM.

49
00:05:06,839 --> 00:05:09,352
I'M JUDD CAMPBELL FROM THE
RESTFUL HILLS MEMORIAL PARK.

50
00:05:09,376 --> 00:05:11,721
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE EXACTLY THE
WAY YOUR HUSBAND SAID YOU ARE.

51
00:05:11,745 --> 00:05:13,189
IS HE HERE?

52
00:05:13,213 --> 00:05:16,359
WELL, NO. HE PASSED
ON A FEW DAYS AGO.

53
00:05:16,383 --> 00:05:19,195
THE FUNERAL WAS YESTERDAY.

54
00:05:19,219 --> 00:05:20,897
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

55
00:05:20,921 --> 00:05:23,833
I... JUST LAST
MONDAY, I SAW HIM...

56
00:05:23,857 --> 00:05:25,435
IT'S LIKE HE SAW IT COMING.

57
00:05:25,459 --> 00:05:27,570
HE DID. HE HAD CANCER.

58
00:05:27,594 --> 00:05:29,039
WELL, I KNOW THAT, BUT...

59
00:05:29,063 --> 00:05:33,109
MONDAY, HE PUTS A DOWN
PAYMENT ON A NEW CEMETERY PLOT.

60
00:05:33,133 --> 00:05:35,678
AND THEN SUDDENLY...

61
00:05:35,702 --> 00:05:40,783
DID YOU SAY HE PUT A DOWN
PAYMENT ON A CEMETERY PLOT?

62
00:05:40,807 --> 00:05:42,452
$250.

63
00:05:42,476 --> 00:05:43,953
FOR BOTH YOU AND HIM.

64
00:05:43,977 --> 00:05:46,923
WELL, HE DIDN'T SAY
ANYTHING ABOUT IT TO ME.

65
00:05:46,947 --> 00:05:49,959
WELL, HE WANTED
IT TO BE A SURPRISE.

66
00:05:49,983 --> 00:05:52,262
HE PICKED THIS SPOT RIGHT HERE.

67
00:05:52,286 --> 00:05:54,698
HE WANTED YOU TO
BE AMONG THE FIRST

68
00:05:54,722 --> 00:05:57,701
TO ENJOY ETERNAL REST
AMIDST ALL THAT BEAUTY.

69
00:05:57,725 --> 00:05:59,535
SHAME. HE WAS SO EXCITED ABOUT

70
00:05:59,559 --> 00:06:00,870
THE BENEFITS PACKAGE, TOO.

71
00:06:00,894 --> 00:06:04,073
FUNERAL EXPENSES,
PLUS 10,000 CASH.

72
00:06:04,097 --> 00:06:05,208
HE LOVED YOU SO MUCH.

73
00:06:05,232 --> 00:06:07,543
$10,000?

74
00:06:07,567 --> 00:06:09,045
YEAH.

75
00:06:09,069 --> 00:06:10,513
I'LL ARRANGE FOR YOU
TO GET FULL A REFUND,

76
00:06:10,537 --> 00:06:11,815
WHEN I GET BACK TO THE OFFICE,

77
00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:14,383
OF THE $250 DEPOSIT.

78
00:06:14,407 --> 00:06:15,985
OH, BUT, UM, ISN'T
THERE SOME WAY

79
00:06:16,009 --> 00:06:19,488
THAT I COULD GET THE BENEFITS?

80
00:06:19,512 --> 00:06:21,224
I DON'T SEE HOW.

81
00:06:21,248 --> 00:06:23,560
YOUR HUSBAND HAS
ALREADY PASSED ON.

82
00:06:23,584 --> 00:06:27,697
WELL, WHAT IF I PAID
YOU THE MONEY?

83
00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:30,600
MA'AM, THAT WOULD BE ILLEGAL.

84
00:06:30,624 --> 00:06:32,802
I DON'T SEE WHY.

85
00:06:32,826 --> 00:06:36,639
MY HUSBAND INTENDED
TO PAY YOU THE MONEY.

86
00:06:36,663 --> 00:06:38,407
WHAT IF HE'D ALREADY SENT IT?

87
00:06:38,431 --> 00:06:41,211
NOW, LOOK. I COULD
PAY YOU THE MONEY NOW,

88
00:06:41,235 --> 00:06:42,411
IN CASH.

89
00:06:42,435 --> 00:06:46,081
AND WHO'S TO KNOW
WHEN YOU GOT IT?

90
00:06:46,105 --> 00:06:48,584
OH, PLEASE.

91
00:06:48,608 --> 00:06:50,420
THE FUNERAL WAS SO EXPENSIVE.

92
00:06:50,444 --> 00:06:54,924
AND EB DIDN'T LEAVE ME
HARDLY A PIG'S WHISTLE.

93
00:06:54,948 --> 00:06:56,926
ISN'T THERE SOME WAY?

94
00:06:56,950 --> 00:06:58,661
HOW MUCH DID HE OWE YOU?

95
00:06:58,685 --> 00:07:01,230
ANOTHER $250.

96
00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:02,731
PFFT. I DON'T KNOW.

97
00:07:02,755 --> 00:07:04,801
I SUPPOSE IF IT WERE CASH.

98
00:07:04,825 --> 00:07:08,226
OH, I'LL GET IT FOR YOU.

99
00:07:15,302 --> 00:07:17,168
BOING.

100
00:07:22,608 --> 00:07:27,189
I'M AFRAID I... I
ONLY HAVE $187.

101
00:07:27,213 --> 00:07:28,224
OOH.

102
00:07:28,248 --> 00:07:29,826
THAT'S ALL I GOT IN
THE WHOLE WORLD.

103
00:07:29,850 --> 00:07:32,195
ISN'T THERE SOME WAY?

104
00:07:32,219 --> 00:07:36,299
MRS. JONES, YOU'RE
SUCH A NICE LADY.

105
00:07:36,323 --> 00:07:37,922
I'LL FIND A WAY.

106
00:07:39,059 --> 00:07:40,804
OH, BLESS YOU.

107
00:07:40,828 --> 00:07:42,260
BLESS YOU.

108
00:08:14,361 --> 00:08:15,972
CAN I HELP YOU?

109
00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:19,008
YOU MUST BE MRS. COMFRY.

110
00:08:19,032 --> 00:08:21,511
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE EXACTLY THE
WAY YOUR HUSBAND SAID YOU WERE.

111
00:08:21,535 --> 00:08:22,845
HE'S A VERY LUCKY MAN.

112
00:08:22,869 --> 00:08:23,846
MRS. WHO?

113
00:08:23,870 --> 00:08:25,515
MRS. COMFRY.

114
00:08:25,539 --> 00:08:27,584
THERE'S NOBODY
HERE BY THAT NAME.

115
00:08:27,608 --> 00:08:30,787
WH-WH... ISN'T THIS
2465 MAPLE STREET?

116
00:08:30,811 --> 00:08:32,554
NO.

117
00:08:32,578 --> 00:08:34,690
THIS HERE IS MAPLE DRIVE.

118
00:08:34,714 --> 00:08:37,193
MAPLE STREET IS WAY ACROSS TOWN.

119
00:08:37,217 --> 00:08:38,727
OH. MY MISTAKE.

120
00:08:38,751 --> 00:08:40,429
END OF THE DAY.
YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.

121
00:08:40,453 --> 00:08:42,020
BYE.

122
00:08:43,890 --> 00:08:45,089
YOUNG MAN.

123
00:08:47,561 --> 00:08:49,994
ARE YOU SELLING SOMETHING?

124
00:08:52,399 --> 00:08:54,744
AS A MATTER OF FACT...

125
00:08:54,768 --> 00:08:56,746
BECAUSE AT RESTFUL HILLS,

126
00:08:56,770 --> 00:08:59,215
WE BELIEVE THAT BOTH
YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES

127
00:08:59,239 --> 00:09:03,720
SHOULD BE ABLE TO REST IN
PEACE BEFORE AS WELL AS AFTER.

128
00:09:03,744 --> 00:09:05,555
OH, IT SOUNDS SO NICE.

129
00:09:05,579 --> 00:09:07,490
I DO HAVE A LOVELY
BROCHURE THAT I'D...

130
00:09:07,514 --> 00:09:11,427
I'M SORRY. I DON'T
WANT PA TO MISS THIS.

131
00:09:11,451 --> 00:09:12,928
PA!

132
00:09:12,952 --> 00:09:16,733
OH, WHERE IS THAT OLD GOAT?

133
00:09:16,757 --> 00:09:18,067
PA!

134
00:09:18,091 --> 00:09:19,402
WHERE IN TARNATION ARE YOU?

135
00:09:19,426 --> 00:09:21,538
HONESTLY.

136
00:09:21,562 --> 00:09:22,539
HOLD YOUR HORSES, MA!

137
00:09:22,563 --> 00:09:25,307
I'M RIGHT IN THE
MIDDLE OF DIGGING!

138
00:09:25,331 --> 00:09:27,977
OH, WE GOT COMPANY.

139
00:09:28,001 --> 00:09:31,313
MR. CAMPBELL'S A SALESMAN, PA.

140
00:09:31,337 --> 00:09:33,449
A SALESMAN!

141
00:09:33,473 --> 00:09:35,517
AIN'T THAT NICE?!

142
00:09:35,541 --> 00:09:37,019
IN THE OLD DAYS,

143
00:09:37,043 --> 00:09:39,989
TRAVELING SALESMEN USED
TO COME BY ALL THE TIME.

144
00:09:40,013 --> 00:09:42,425
OF COURSE, NOWADAYS,
EVERYBODY STAYS HOME,

145
00:09:42,449 --> 00:09:44,293
DOES THEIR SHOPPING ON THE TV.

146
00:09:44,317 --> 00:09:46,595
I DON'T KNOW, BUT TO
ME IT JUST AIN'T THE SAME.

147
00:09:46,619 --> 00:09:47,596
NO.

148
00:09:47,620 --> 00:09:51,500
WELL, SIT YOURSELF.

149
00:09:51,524 --> 00:09:53,069
SHOW US WHAT YOU GOT.

150
00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:54,536
I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

151
00:09:54,560 --> 00:09:55,737
BUYING THINGS LONG DISTANCE,

152
00:09:55,761 --> 00:09:57,740
YOU KNOW, YOU LOSE
THAT HUMAN CONNECTION.

153
00:09:57,764 --> 00:09:59,475
AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH?

154
00:09:59,499 --> 00:10:01,477
AND WHEN THE PRODUCT COMES...

155
00:10:01,501 --> 00:10:02,879
SHUT UP, MA.

156
00:10:02,903 --> 00:10:04,414
THE YOUNG MAN DON'T
GIVE A DAMN WHAT YOU THINK.

157
00:10:04,438 --> 00:10:06,349
LET HIM GET DOWN TO BUSINESS.

158
00:10:06,373 --> 00:10:08,384
I'LL DO JUST THAT, SIR.

159
00:10:08,408 --> 00:10:10,185
AT RESTFUL HILLS
MEMORIAL PARK...

160
00:10:10,209 --> 00:10:12,120
THAT SOME KIND OF CEMETERY?

161
00:10:12,144 --> 00:10:15,123
WE CALL OURSELVES
A MEMORIAL PARK.

162
00:10:15,147 --> 00:10:16,792
WHAT WE DO IS A
WHOLE NEW CONCEPT

163
00:10:16,816 --> 00:10:18,527
THAT TRIES TO BRING
PEACE TO YOUR LOVED ONES

164
00:10:18,551 --> 00:10:20,730
BOTH BEFORE AND
AFTER YOUR DEMISE.

165
00:10:20,754 --> 00:10:22,965
FOR STARTERS, WE FOUND
A PIECE OF PROPERTY,

166
00:10:22,989 --> 00:10:24,400
NORTH SIDE OF TOWN,

167
00:10:24,424 --> 00:10:27,136
THAT WILL JUST KNOCK
YOUR SOCKS OFF.

168
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:28,738
LOOK AT THIS. ISN'T
THAT GORGEOUS?

169
00:10:28,762 --> 00:10:30,239
OH, IT SURE IS!

170
00:10:30,263 --> 00:10:34,410
IT LOOKS LIKE THE PERFECT
PLACE TO SPEND ETERNITY.

171
00:10:34,434 --> 00:10:36,645
IT DOES LOOK
RESTFUL, DOESN'T IT?

172
00:10:36,669 --> 00:10:38,915
IT'S THE KIND OF PLACE
THE WHOLE FAMILY

173
00:10:38,939 --> 00:10:41,351
WILL ENJOY COMING TO TO
PAY THEIR LAST RESPECTS,

174
00:10:41,375 --> 00:10:42,819
AND THAT IN TURN, MAKES
THE PROCESS OF MOURNING

175
00:10:42,843 --> 00:10:44,487
JUST PLAIN EASIER ON EVERYONE.

176
00:10:44,511 --> 00:10:46,855
NOW, ISN'T THAT A NICE IDEA, PA?

177
00:10:46,879 --> 00:10:52,061
WHEN DOES THE
BEFOREHAND STUFF COME IN?

178
00:10:52,085 --> 00:10:55,698
THAT'S... THAT'S
VERY SMART, SIR.

179
00:10:55,722 --> 00:10:57,499
THE BEFOREHAND PART

180
00:10:57,523 --> 00:11:00,536
COMES WITH THE DEATH
BENEFITS PACKAGE.

181
00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:02,872
NOW, FOR A SMALL, NOMINAL FEE,

182
00:11:02,896 --> 00:11:05,241
WE PAY AT THE TIME OF DEMISE,

183
00:11:05,265 --> 00:11:06,776
FULL FUNERAL EXPENSES,

184
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:10,680
PLUS A DEATH BENEFIT
OF $10,000 CASH.

185
00:11:10,704 --> 00:11:12,848
THAT WAY, YOU KNOW
YOUR LOVED ONES

186
00:11:12,872 --> 00:11:14,350
ARE GOING TO BE TAKEN
CARE OF BEFOREHAND.

187
00:11:14,374 --> 00:11:15,818
HOW NOMINAL?

188
00:11:15,842 --> 00:11:18,620
$500 BUYS EVERYTHING
FOR THE BOTH OF YOU.

189
00:11:18,644 --> 00:11:21,713
$500? THAT'S ALL?

190
00:11:28,288 --> 00:11:32,501
OF COURSE, WE DO HAVE
THE EXTENDED DEATH BENEFIT

191
00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:34,470
OF $20,000.

192
00:11:34,494 --> 00:11:38,174
AND THAT'LL ONLY COST YOU 750.

193
00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:43,012
$750 BUYS YOU $20,000?

194
00:11:43,036 --> 00:11:45,247
NO. YOU'RE BOTH COVERED.

195
00:11:45,271 --> 00:11:47,805
SO WE'RE TALKING $40,000.

196
00:11:50,177 --> 00:11:51,687
OHH.

197
00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:53,756
OH, WELL.

198
00:11:53,780 --> 00:11:57,059
WE CAN'T SAY NO TO THAT, CAN WE?

199
00:11:57,083 --> 00:11:58,160
WE'LL DO IT.

200
00:11:58,184 --> 00:12:01,731
GREAT. I'LL DRAW
UP THE PAPERWORK.

201
00:12:01,755 --> 00:12:03,833
OF COURSE, WE'LL
HAVE TO SEE IT FIRST.

202
00:12:03,857 --> 00:12:05,435
SEE?

203
00:12:05,459 --> 00:12:07,937
SEE WHAT THE CEMETERY
PLOT LOOKS LIKE.

204
00:12:07,961 --> 00:12:10,573
WE LIKE TO SEE A THING
WORK BEFORE WE BUY IT.

205
00:12:10,597 --> 00:12:14,610
WELL, IT, UM, IT LOOKS
PRETTY MUCH LIKE THIS.

206
00:12:14,634 --> 00:12:18,503
CAN'T BUY NOTHING
TILL WE SEE IT FIRST.

207
00:12:22,308 --> 00:12:24,620
OK, I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT I'M GOING TO DO.

208
00:12:24,644 --> 00:12:26,622
I'M GOING TO SUBMIT YOUR
PAPERWORK WITH THE PAYMENT,

209
00:12:26,646 --> 00:12:27,923
AND I'M GOING TO
COME BACK TOMORROW,

210
00:12:27,947 --> 00:12:29,058
I'M GOING TO TAKE
YOU THERE MYSELF.

211
00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:30,525
HOW DOES THAT SOUND?

212
00:12:30,549 --> 00:12:32,027
SURE THING.

213
00:12:32,051 --> 00:12:34,063
I EXPECT YOU'D LIKE ME
AND MA TO GO DOWNSTAIRS

214
00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:35,064
AND GET YOU SOME MONEY.

215
00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:36,399
YOU TAKE CASH?

216
00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:39,802
I PREFER CASH. IT
SPEEDS UP THE PROCESS.

217
00:12:39,826 --> 00:12:42,727
WELL, WE WON'T BE BUT A MINUTE.

218
00:12:44,964 --> 00:12:46,542
AHH.

219
00:12:46,566 --> 00:12:48,511
YOU WANT SOME
COFFEE OR SOMETHING?

220
00:12:48,535 --> 00:12:49,512
YEAH.

221
00:12:49,536 --> 00:12:52,180
IF YOU'VE BEEN ON
THE ROAD ALL DAY,

222
00:12:52,204 --> 00:12:55,406
I EXPECT YOU COULD
USE A LITTLE PICK-ME-UP.

223
00:12:56,709 --> 00:12:58,153
COME ON NOW, MA!

224
00:12:58,177 --> 00:13:02,491
WE DON'T WANT TO
KEEP THE YOUNG MAN!

225
00:13:02,515 --> 00:13:04,248
COMING, PA.

226
00:13:14,361 --> 00:13:15,426
HMMM.

227
00:13:21,535 --> 00:13:24,646
AAH AAH!

228
00:13:24,670 --> 00:13:26,971
OH OH!

229
00:13:37,651 --> 00:13:40,229
I'M AFRAID YOU AIN'T
GOING ANYWHERE!

230
00:13:40,253 --> 00:13:41,463
UNH!

231
00:13:41,487 --> 00:13:44,455
HA HA HA HA!

232
00:13:52,365 --> 00:13:54,676
I SAY WE KILL HIM NOW.

233
00:13:54,700 --> 00:13:56,745
I WON'T LET YOU DO IT, PA.

234
00:13:56,769 --> 00:13:57,779
DAMN IT, WOMAN.

235
00:13:57,803 --> 00:13:58,981
I'M TIRED OF YOU
ARGUING WITH ME.

236
00:13:59,005 --> 00:14:01,484
IF I WANT HIM DEAD, HE'S DEAD!

237
00:14:01,508 --> 00:14:03,418
AND THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT!

238
00:14:03,442 --> 00:14:04,453
DON'T YOU RAISE YOUR
VOICE TO ME, OLD MAN,

239
00:14:04,477 --> 00:14:05,588
OR I'LL HAVE HIDE.

240
00:14:05,612 --> 00:14:08,624
BESIDES, IT WOULDN'T
BE POLITE TO KILL HIM

241
00:14:08,648 --> 00:14:11,026
UNTIL HE WAKES UP.

242
00:14:11,050 --> 00:14:14,096
ANYWAY, I THINK WYNONA
SHOULD HAVE A LOOK AT HIM FIRST.

243
00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:16,031
OH, GET OFF OF IT.

244
00:14:16,055 --> 00:14:19,201
HE AIN'T GONNA WANT HER.

245
00:14:19,225 --> 00:14:21,470
AIN'T NOBODY IN
WYNONA'S WHOLE UGLY

246
00:14:21,494 --> 00:14:23,672
GODDAMN LIFE EVER WANTED HER.

247
00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:25,641
I'D LIKE HER TO BE
THE JUDGE OF THAT.

248
00:14:25,665 --> 00:14:28,844
HELL. IF SHE DO
WANT HIM, I DON'T.

249
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:31,847
I DON'T WANT NO GODDAMN
SALESMAN IN THE FAMILY.

250
00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:34,717
NOBODY CARES WHO
YOU WANT IN THIS FAMILY.

251
00:14:34,741 --> 00:14:37,720
BESIDES, ONLY SALESMEN
EVER COME TO THIS PLACE.

252
00:14:37,744 --> 00:14:41,123
AND THIS ONE SEEMED
ESPECIALLY NICE.

253
00:14:41,147 --> 00:14:43,426
OH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.

254
00:14:43,450 --> 00:14:44,726
AND IF THIS IS
WYNONA'S ONLY CHANCE

255
00:14:44,750 --> 00:14:45,962
AT A LITTLE HAPPINESS,

256
00:14:45,986 --> 00:14:47,963
THEN I'M WANT TO GIVE IT TO HER.

257
00:14:47,987 --> 00:14:50,699
WELL, IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN

258
00:14:50,723 --> 00:14:53,736
'CAUSE HE AIN'T GONNA WANT HER.

259
00:14:54,761 --> 00:14:56,805
HEY, YOU! WAKE UP!

260
00:14:56,829 --> 00:15:00,009
WAKE UP, DAMN IT!

261
00:15:00,033 --> 00:15:01,877
AARGH!

262
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:03,845
HE'S UP!

263
00:15:03,869 --> 00:15:05,514
PLEASE LET ME GO.

264
00:15:05,538 --> 00:15:06,548
WHY?

265
00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:09,051
SO'S YOU CAN RUN
OFF TO THE POLICE...

266
00:15:09,075 --> 00:15:10,519
TELL THEM ALL ABOUT US?

267
00:15:10,543 --> 00:15:12,421
NO. I WON'T SAY
ANYTHING TO ANYBODY.

268
00:15:12,445 --> 00:15:14,257
I DON'T CARE ABOUT WHO
THOSE OTHER GUYS ARE.

269
00:15:14,281 --> 00:15:17,760
WELL, THEY'RE
SALESMEN, LIKE YOU.

270
00:15:17,784 --> 00:15:21,229
LIKE THAT GUY WHAT SOLD
US THE CRUMMY MICROWAVE...

271
00:15:21,253 --> 00:15:22,431
DIDN'T WORK.

272
00:15:22,455 --> 00:15:25,233
AND THE VACUUM!
AND THE COLOR TV!

273
00:15:25,257 --> 00:15:28,125
WASN'T NO COLOR
TV TILL I FIXED IT!

274
00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:35,666
<i>NOW</i> IT'S A COLOR TV!

275
00:15:36,770 --> 00:15:38,447
GAH!

276
00:15:38,471 --> 00:15:39,482
REALLY...

277
00:15:39,506 --> 00:15:41,950
I WON'T SAY ANYTHING TO ANYBODY.

278
00:15:41,974 --> 00:15:43,385
YOU CAN LET ME GO.

279
00:15:43,409 --> 00:15:46,588
AND WHY WOULD I TRUST YOU?

280
00:15:46,612 --> 00:15:48,690
YOU'RE A SALESMAN,

281
00:15:48,714 --> 00:15:50,459
AND A SALESMAN AIN'T
NOTHING BUT A THIEF

282
00:15:50,483 --> 00:15:53,296
TRYING SUCKERING PEOPLE OUT
OF THEIR HARD-EARNED MONEY

283
00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:56,933
MAKING THEM BUY THINGS
THEY NEITHER WANT NOR NEED!

284
00:15:56,957 --> 00:15:59,802
WELL, WE'VE BEEN TOOK
ONE TIME TOO MANY,

285
00:15:59,826 --> 00:16:02,671
AND IF WE HAVE TO KILL EVERY
LAST GODDAMN SALESMAN

286
00:16:02,695 --> 00:16:05,474
ON THE GODDAMN
PLANET, SO BET IT!

287
00:16:05,498 --> 00:16:07,809
NOW, DON'T YOU
GET TOO EXCITED, PA.

288
00:16:07,833 --> 00:16:09,244
WE AIN'T DOING NOTHING

289
00:16:09,268 --> 00:16:12,315
TILL WYNONA SEES HIM FIRST.

290
00:16:14,741 --> 00:16:17,942
DAMN GIRL'S NOTHING BUT TROUBLE.

291
00:16:20,113 --> 00:16:21,378
COME ALONG, MA.

292
00:16:28,688 --> 00:16:30,388
GODDAMN GIRL.

293
00:16:45,705 --> 00:16:47,183
ARE YOU...

294
00:16:47,207 --> 00:16:48,806
WYNONA?

295
00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:52,854
WYNONA'S SUCH A NICE NAME.

296
00:16:52,878 --> 00:16:55,690
MY... MY MOTHER'S
NAME WAS WYNONA,

297
00:16:55,714 --> 00:16:57,493
AND SHE WAS VERY BEAUTIFUL.

298
00:16:57,517 --> 00:17:00,062
YOU PLAY THAT VERY WELL.

299
00:17:00,086 --> 00:17:02,797
ANYONE EVER TELL YOU THAT?

300
00:17:02,821 --> 00:17:05,834
HOW, UH, HOW OLD ARE YOU?

301
00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:09,371
OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW A BUNCH
OF BULLSHIT WHEN I HEAR IT.

302
00:17:11,063 --> 00:17:13,041
WHY DON'T COME ON OVER HERE

303
00:17:13,065 --> 00:17:14,410
WHERE I CAN SEE YOU?

304
00:17:14,434 --> 00:17:16,746
MAYBE I DON'T
WANT YOU TO SEE ME.

305
00:17:16,770 --> 00:17:20,015
HEH HEH HEH. I DON'T THINK
THAT'S THE CASE AT ALL.

306
00:17:20,039 --> 00:17:24,586
I THINK YOU WANT ME
TO SEE YOU VERY MUCH.

307
00:17:24,610 --> 00:17:28,624
YOU KNOW, I HARDLY
KNOW YOU, WYNONA.

308
00:17:28,648 --> 00:17:31,127
BUT I CAN HEAR YOUR LONELINESS.

309
00:17:31,151 --> 00:17:32,761
I KNOW THAT LONELINESS.

310
00:17:32,785 --> 00:17:35,964
IT SITS ON MY SHOULDER
AND IT PECKS AT MY HEART.

311
00:17:35,988 --> 00:17:38,000
IS THAT HOW YOU FEEL, WYNONA?

312
00:17:38,024 --> 00:17:39,734
YOU SURE DO TALK PRETTY.

313
00:17:39,758 --> 00:17:43,105
LET'S YOU AND ME HAVE A
TALK THEN, FACE TO FACE.

314
00:17:43,129 --> 00:17:45,407
O.K...

315
00:17:45,431 --> 00:17:47,609
FACE TO FACE.

316
00:17:47,633 --> 00:17:48,610
OH!

317
00:17:48,634 --> 00:17:51,501
YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL.

318
00:17:55,674 --> 00:17:58,909
THE LAST THING I
AM IS BEAUTIFUL.

319
00:18:02,348 --> 00:18:04,459
WHAT IS BEAUTY, ANYWAY?

320
00:18:04,483 --> 00:18:07,195
THE MONA LISA HAS
NOTHING ON YOU.

321
00:18:07,219 --> 00:18:10,232
WHAT IS THAT, UM, THAT
PERFUME YOU'RE WEARING?

322
00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:12,734
NOT WEARING ANY.

323
00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:17,328
I AIN'T WASHED IN A
COUPLE OF WEEKS.

324
00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:22,978
THAT IS SO...

325
00:18:23,002 --> 00:18:24,613
EARTHY.

326
00:18:24,637 --> 00:18:26,315
I LOVE IT.

327
00:18:26,339 --> 00:18:28,450
THIS HAS NEVER
HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE.

328
00:18:28,474 --> 00:18:30,786
I'VE FALLEN HEAD OVER
HEELS IN LOVE WITH YOU.

329
00:18:32,511 --> 00:18:33,989
YOU DON'T LOVE ME.

330
00:18:34,013 --> 00:18:35,490
NO, I DO. I DO.

331
00:18:35,514 --> 00:18:37,459
JUST TAKE THESE OFF
AND LET ME PROVE IT.

332
00:18:37,483 --> 00:18:39,594
I DON'T HAVE THE KEYS.

333
00:18:39,618 --> 00:18:41,163
AND EVEN IF'N I DID...

334
00:18:41,187 --> 00:18:43,165
YOU GOT TO LET ME PROVE IT.

335
00:18:43,189 --> 00:18:44,300
IF YOU DON'T LET
ME PROVE IT TO YOU,

336
00:18:44,324 --> 00:18:46,490
I SWEAR I'M GOING TO GO CRAZY.

337
00:18:51,397 --> 00:18:54,365
YOU REALLY THINK I'M
LIKE THE MONA LISA?

338
00:19:03,910 --> 00:19:05,653
WHO CARES WHY THE MONA
LISA'S SMILING THAT WAY?

339
00:19:05,677 --> 00:19:07,756
I WANT TO KNOW HOW
TO MAKE YOU SMILE.

340
00:19:07,780 --> 00:19:11,160
I WANT TO DEDICATE MYSELF...

341
00:19:11,184 --> 00:19:15,230
OH, THIS IS SO... LOVELY.

342
00:19:15,254 --> 00:19:18,967
I HATE THIS ROOM. I
HATE THIS WHOLE HOUSE.

343
00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:20,068
UH.

344
00:19:20,092 --> 00:19:22,137
YOU KNOW, IT'S
STRANGE HOW I FEEL NOW.

345
00:19:22,161 --> 00:19:24,039
GIDDY, LIKE A KID.

346
00:19:24,063 --> 00:19:25,340
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

347
00:19:25,364 --> 00:19:27,943
I WANT TO SEE THESE
"LOVE FEELINGS."

348
00:19:27,967 --> 00:19:29,845
THE KIND OF LOVE I'M
TALKING ABOUT IS DIFFERENT.

349
00:19:29,869 --> 00:19:31,680
IT'S DEEPER.

350
00:19:31,704 --> 00:19:33,782
ACTION'S ALL I BELIEVE IN.

351
00:19:33,806 --> 00:19:35,818
THIS LOVE TALK IS VERY NICE,

352
00:19:35,842 --> 00:19:39,210
BUT THE BODY NEVER LIES.

353
00:19:44,217 --> 00:19:46,128
NOW!

354
00:19:46,152 --> 00:19:48,197
LET'S SEE HOW MUCH YOU LOVE ME!

355
00:19:48,221 --> 00:19:49,364
I SWEAR I LOVE YOU.

356
00:19:49,388 --> 00:19:51,228
ISN'T THAT GOOD ENOUGH?

357
00:20:08,241 --> 00:20:09,907
YOU STILL LOVE ME?

358
00:20:28,194 --> 00:20:31,661
SO, SHOW ME YOU LOVE ME.

359
00:20:38,938 --> 00:20:41,116
COURSE IF YOU DON'T LOVE ME,

360
00:20:41,140 --> 00:20:42,751
I'LL JUST HAVE TO
GIVE YOU BACK TO PA

361
00:20:42,775 --> 00:20:43,919
AND LET HIM DEAL WITH YOU.

362
00:20:43,943 --> 00:20:46,188
I LOVE YOU. I LOVE
YOU. I LOVE YOU.

363
00:20:46,212 --> 00:20:49,257
YEAH.

364
00:20:49,281 --> 00:20:50,459
I DIDN'T THINK...

365
00:20:50,483 --> 00:20:52,360
WAIT.

366
00:21:04,964 --> 00:21:08,076
WELL, I'LL BE DAMNED.

367
00:21:08,100 --> 00:21:10,012
I THINK YOU DO LOVE ME.

368
00:21:17,977 --> 00:21:20,611
AHH.

369
00:21:22,215 --> 00:21:24,448
AHH.

370
00:21:26,819 --> 00:21:28,196
AH.

371
00:21:28,220 --> 00:21:29,220
OH.

372
00:21:38,398 --> 00:21:39,775
AHH.

373
00:21:39,799 --> 00:21:41,365
AHH. AHH.

374
00:21:56,014 --> 00:21:56,991
THAT WAS...

375
00:21:57,015 --> 00:21:58,827
AMAZING.

376
00:21:58,851 --> 00:22:00,595
THAT WAS THE MOST INCREDIBLE SEX

377
00:22:00,619 --> 00:22:01,863
I'VE EVER HAD.

378
00:22:01,887 --> 00:22:04,265
WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO DO THAT?

379
00:22:04,289 --> 00:22:06,501
ALL THOSE SALESMEN.

380
00:22:06,525 --> 00:22:08,970
EXCEPT NONE OF
THEM DID WHAT YOU DID.

381
00:22:08,994 --> 00:22:12,507
OR LIKE YOU DID.

382
00:22:12,531 --> 00:22:15,009
YOU DO LOVE ME, DON'T YOU?

383
00:22:15,033 --> 00:22:18,480
LIKE YOU SAID, THE
BODY NEVER LIES.

384
00:22:18,504 --> 00:22:20,682
THE QUESTION IS,

385
00:22:20,706 --> 00:22:22,484
DO YOU LOVE ME?

386
00:22:22,508 --> 00:22:24,353
OF COURSE, I LOVE YOU.

387
00:22:24,377 --> 00:22:26,455
I AIN'T GONNA LET
MY DADDY HURT YOU,

388
00:22:26,479 --> 00:22:28,056
IF THAT'S WHAT
YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT.

389
00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:31,326
I WANT TO MARRY YOU.

390
00:22:31,350 --> 00:22:33,127
IF WE GOT MARRIED,

391
00:22:33,151 --> 00:22:34,830
YOU'D GET MY DOWRY,

392
00:22:34,854 --> 00:22:35,997
AND THEY'D LET YOU GO,

393
00:22:36,021 --> 00:22:38,333
AND WE COULD RUN AWAY
AND BE HAPPY TOGETHER.

394
00:22:38,357 --> 00:22:40,201
I HATE IT HERE.

395
00:22:40,225 --> 00:22:43,372
MA AND PA TREAT ME SO MEAN.

396
00:22:43,396 --> 00:22:45,741
DID YOU SAY DOWRY?

397
00:22:46,932 --> 00:22:48,844
YEAH.

398
00:22:48,868 --> 00:22:51,680
PA'S GOT IT BURIED
IN THE BASEMENT.

399
00:22:51,704 --> 00:22:55,049
IT'S THE MONEY FROM
ALL THOSE SALESMEN.

400
00:22:55,073 --> 00:22:58,487
IT MUST BE $40-, $50,000.

401
00:22:58,511 --> 00:23:00,021
YES.

402
00:23:00,045 --> 00:23:01,857
YES, LET'S...

403
00:23:01,881 --> 00:23:03,358
LET'S GET MARRIED.

404
00:23:12,291 --> 00:23:14,269
MA! PA!

405
00:23:14,293 --> 00:23:16,026
I'M GETTIN' HITCHED!

406
00:23:18,764 --> 00:23:21,243
UHH.

407
00:23:21,267 --> 00:23:23,746
YOU REALLY WANT
TO DO THIS THING?

408
00:23:23,770 --> 00:23:24,913
ABSOLUTELY.

409
00:23:24,937 --> 00:23:27,750
I LOVE YOUR DAUGHTER.

410
00:23:27,774 --> 00:23:30,274
AND I LOVE HIM, PA.

411
00:23:33,612 --> 00:23:35,324
LET'S GET THIS STARTED.

412
00:23:35,348 --> 00:23:38,493
AREN'T WE GONNA HAVE A PREACHER?

413
00:23:38,517 --> 00:23:40,083
PA<i> IS</i> A PREACHER.

414
00:23:41,821 --> 00:23:44,232
DO YOU, JUDD CAMPBELL,

415
00:23:44,256 --> 00:23:46,635
TAKE MY DAUGHTER,
WYNONA BRACKETT,

416
00:23:46,659 --> 00:23:48,858
TO BE YOUR LAWFUL WEDDED WIFE?

417
00:23:50,862 --> 00:23:53,308
I DO.

418
00:23:53,332 --> 00:23:55,210
AND DO YOU, WYNONA,

419
00:23:55,234 --> 00:23:59,514
TAKE THIS MAN TO BE YOUR
LAWFUL WEDDED HUSBAND?

420
00:23:59,538 --> 00:24:02,317
YOU BET I DO, PA.

421
00:24:02,341 --> 00:24:04,274
LET'S HAVE THE RING, MA.

422
00:24:07,747 --> 00:24:09,624
THANK YOU.

423
00:24:09,648 --> 00:24:12,160
IF YOU'LL PLACE THIS
RING ON WYNONA'S...

424
00:24:12,184 --> 00:24:13,628
WAIT A MINUTE, PA.

425
00:24:13,652 --> 00:24:16,097
AIN'T YOU GONNA TAKE
THESE HANDCUFFS OFF?

426
00:24:16,121 --> 00:24:18,300
HE'S MARRYING ME.

427
00:24:18,324 --> 00:24:19,634
YOU THINK HE'S GOING TO
SPEND THE REST OF HIS LIFE

428
00:24:19,658 --> 00:24:21,336
WALKING AROUND
WITH THESE THINGS ON?

429
00:24:21,360 --> 00:24:22,604
SHE'S RIGHT, PA.

430
00:24:22,628 --> 00:24:24,573
IF'N HE'S WILLING TO MARRY HER,

431
00:24:24,597 --> 00:24:26,074
IT'S THE LEAST YOU CAN DO.

432
00:24:26,098 --> 00:24:29,600
WELL, I GUESS.

433
00:24:34,507 --> 00:24:36,952
NO. I AIN'T GONNA.

434
00:24:36,976 --> 00:24:38,487
I'LL MARRY HIM TO YOU,

435
00:24:38,511 --> 00:24:39,621
BUT THAT'S AS FAR AS IT GOES.

436
00:24:39,645 --> 00:24:41,323
BUT...

437
00:24:41,347 --> 00:24:42,858
PA.

438
00:24:42,882 --> 00:24:44,993
IT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS, WYNONA.

439
00:24:45,017 --> 00:24:46,728
I'M STILL GOING TO
HAVE TO SHOOT HIM.

440
00:24:46,752 --> 00:24:49,331
HE'S A SALESMAN.
HE CAN'T BE TRUSTED.

441
00:24:49,355 --> 00:24:51,500
DAMN YOU, PA!

442
00:24:51,524 --> 00:24:53,602
IT'S MY FIRST CHANCE
OF HAPPINESS I GOT.

443
00:24:53,626 --> 00:24:55,770
AND YOU AIN'T GONNA KILL THAT.

444
00:24:55,794 --> 00:24:56,874
NO!

445
00:24:58,430 --> 00:24:59,929
PRIN-PRINCESS.

446
00:25:02,501 --> 00:25:04,046
WYNONA!

447
00:25:04,070 --> 00:25:05,702
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, WYNONA?

448
00:25:12,011 --> 00:25:13,377
WYNONA, YOU KILLED HIM!

449
00:25:16,115 --> 00:25:17,593
UNH. UHH.

450
00:25:17,617 --> 00:25:18,782
WHOA!

451
00:25:33,565 --> 00:25:36,666
LET ME GET THAT
FOR YOU, DARLIN'.

452
00:25:40,739 --> 00:25:46,343
NOW, LET'S GO GET THAT DOWRY!

453
00:26:12,938 --> 00:26:14,583
HERE'S WHERE IT IS.

454
00:26:14,607 --> 00:26:16,050
GREAT.

455
00:26:16,074 --> 00:26:18,420
OH! BY THE WAY, I HAVE A LITTLE

456
00:26:18,444 --> 00:26:20,088
WEDDING PRESENT
FOR YOU, MY LOVE.

457
00:26:20,112 --> 00:26:21,678
AH.

458
00:26:29,121 --> 00:26:30,320
UGLY BITCH.

459
00:26:36,262 --> 00:26:38,228
UHH.

460
00:26:46,505 --> 00:26:47,971
UHH.

461
00:26:58,651 --> 00:27:00,584
WHAT THE HELL?

462
00:27:06,625 --> 00:27:10,939
YOU FIND SOMETHING
DOWN THERE, YOUNG MAN?

463
00:27:10,963 --> 00:27:12,540
YOU KNOW, MA.

464
00:27:12,564 --> 00:27:14,443
THE YOUNG MAN'S RIGHT.

465
00:27:14,467 --> 00:27:19,402
THIS SURE IS A MIGHTY
NICE CEMETERY PLOT.

466
00:27:21,673 --> 00:27:23,552
BUT I... BUT...

467
00:27:23,576 --> 00:27:26,087
THE VIEW AIN'T MUCH,

468
00:27:26,111 --> 00:27:27,956
BUT I THINK HE'LL REST IN PEACE

469
00:27:27,980 --> 00:27:29,658
JUST THE SAME.

470
00:27:29,682 --> 00:27:31,147
WYNONA?

471
00:27:32,350 --> 00:27:34,718
YOU GOING TO PAY YOUR
RESPECTS OR WHAT?

472
00:27:42,261 --> 00:27:46,241
I SURE HOPE I CAN
GET THIS FAKE BLOOD

473
00:27:46,265 --> 00:27:47,809
OUT OF MY DRESS.

474
00:27:47,833 --> 00:27:50,045
OH, JUST THROW IT IN
THE NEW WASHING MACHINE

475
00:27:50,069 --> 00:27:52,435
THAT OTHER NICE
SALESMAN BROUGHT US.

476
00:27:55,707 --> 00:27:58,920
HA HA HA.

477
00:27:58,944 --> 00:28:00,521
YOU...

478
00:28:00,545 --> 00:28:02,290
YOU LIED TO ME, ALL OF YOU.

479
00:28:02,314 --> 00:28:03,525
LIED?

480
00:28:04,850 --> 00:28:08,463
NOW, THAT AIN'T A
NICE THING TO SAY.

481
00:28:08,487 --> 00:28:12,033
BESIDES, 'TWEREN'T
NO LIE AT ALL.

482
00:28:12,057 --> 00:28:14,502
NO, SIR.

483
00:28:14,526 --> 00:28:17,205
IT'S CALLED...

484
00:28:17,229 --> 00:28:20,708
HA HA HA HA...

485
00:28:20,732 --> 00:28:23,066
SALESMANSHIP!

486
00:28:27,239 --> 00:28:32,721
GOOD OLD JUDD. JUST
ANOTHER SATISFIED GHOST-IMER.

487
00:28:32,745 --> 00:28:35,023
I GUESS IT'S TRUE WHAT THEY SAY.

488
00:28:35,047 --> 00:28:39,060
THE FAMILY THAT SLAYS
TOGETHER STAYS TOGETHER.

489
00:28:39,084 --> 00:28:41,429
AHH HA HA HA HA!

490
00:28:41,453 --> 00:28:44,699
WE COME NOW TO ONE
OF MY FAVORITE ITEMS...

491
00:28:44,723 --> 00:28:47,335
THE AMAZING CRYPT
KEEPER SLASH-O-MATIC.

492
00:28:47,359 --> 00:28:49,237
IT'S MORE THAN JUST A KNIFE,

493
00:28:49,261 --> 00:28:51,707
IT PEELS, IT CUTS, MAKES
FABULOUS FRENCH FRIES.

494
00:28:51,731 --> 00:28:53,474
IT SLICES, IT DICES, IT...

495
00:28:54,499 --> 00:28:55,632
UGH.

496
00:28:57,669 --> 00:29:00,648
CAPTIONING MADE
POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.

497
00:29:00,672 --> 00:29:03,792
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE... www.ncicap.org...